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DEPRESSIONyou sonofabitch, you're back again!
You're a like a song, a dirge rather, that likes to visit me cyclically. You're more noticeable recently but probably have always been lurking under the surface. Perhaps you've been repressed by my positive attitude, sense of meaning and destiny, personal delusions of grandeur, wanting to look good, or a fear of getting lost in your shadows if I looked at them seriously.When you're up, you tug away at my awareness; you surround me and everything I see is filtered by your dark cloudy shadow. My healing practice, my career and means of livelihood, get diminished into negative terms. "It's so small, it's not growing; you're not really delivering the goods to people; what makes you think that what you do with people makes any difference at all?; what makes you think you can keep up the income flow, never mind increasing it to the point where you can relax about it?."
My primary relationship comes under your disabling scrutiny. Things that either don't really matter or will come up between us for clarification in their season are emphasized and underlined to the point where I could be led to believe that this marriage is a sham carried on just by habit or for fear of being alone, without a partner.
Our comfortable home in its prime location and with its gorgeous view is seen as grossly inadequate and, "You don't own it anyway, you Turkey!"
Our delightful little car which we enjoy because of it's fun-ness and uniqueness is seen as ridiculous; it doesn't seem to run well, sound that good, etc., etc. "Hey, it's not paid for either!"
"Can you feel all those things that are wrong with your body? The stiffness, the weakness and fatigue, the pounding racing heart in the middle of the night. Why you could be hauled to the hospital any time, you ole f... .... You're a SENIOR now and don't kid yourself that this is going to be a piece of cake."
ETCETERA! ETCETERA! ETCETERA!
It's interesting that all of these factors are with me all the time. I am aware that they exist like an alter ego sitting on my shoulder, nattering away at me about almost everything I do. I know they are there. I may smile or say "f... off". I occasionally weaken and undercut what I'm doing because of the distraction, but mostly I identify what it is, utilize the criticism objectively, make changes and reaffirm what I'm doing on the basis of "what I know" ... wherever that comes from. But when depression comes along and seems to overtake me, it's like treading water in the midst of a typhoon. At some point, presumably, I could weaken, give up and be paralysed by the influence. If I was suicidal, a tendency I don't recognize in my make-up, I might go that path. "That's because you haven't got the guts", Depressy says. But I wait it out, keep doing whatever needs to be done in front of me, be ingenious about new twists in my daily routine, get some exercise, read a novel, or whatever. It seems helpful to tell someone I can count on to not being sympathetic or panicky. Then, in a moment when I'm not looking, depression slinks back into the shadows.
- Ronald Polack
For more:
- on attitudes, see Chapter 9 of the book, Vibrational Vitality
- on healing, see Vibrational Healing
Note: I respect that there are Bi-Polar or Manic-Depressive conditions, usually requiring medication to offset chemical imbalances in the body.Articles - Introduction and Index
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DR RONALD POLACKVancouver, Canada • By appointment: 604 264-7713 • e-mail - info@ronald-healing.com
